


Take the numbness away

by Anxious_Muu



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, Depression, Gen, M/M, Missing Scene, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28487025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxious_Muu/pseuds/Anxious_Muu
Summary: Yuki thinks about life, about people. About his mental well-being.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Kudos: 13





	Take the numbness away

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, suicide, depression, some adult mentions (hookups but nothing explicit)
> 
> Proceed with your own caution!

Yuki watches the crossroads, the cars speeding by, mind numb. 

  
He thinks about crossing without looking and getting it over with. His life, that is. 

  
His lips pull at the edges. He remembers. Remembers Mafuyu, Hiiragi, Shizu, his mom. People he loves. 

  
His heart clenches, and he knows that he can’t do it. 

  
Not today. 

  
He turns on his heels, walking back to the sea. 

  
And he breathes in the rich scent of the ocean, hears the waves, feels it fill his chest with comfort. 

  
Yuki lives in the moment, thinks of the tunes, of the stage. Of the cheers. 

  
And he smiles. 

  
*** 

  
“Yuki,” Hiiragi’s voice cuts through the music, cutting off Yuki’s thoughts. “I think we should take a break.” Hiiragi says it with a final note, but the worry is etched on his face. 

  
Yuki turns to him, then to Shizu. “Why?” he finally asks. 

  
Hiiragi hesitates, looks away. Shizu looks between Yuki and Hiiragi, and says it straight up. “You seem out of it today.” 

  
Yuki’s heart is numb along with his mind. And hearing that his tunes don’t sound as good as usual... he doesn’t even feel the punch of that sentence. 

  
He doesn’t feel anymore. 

  
Yet he forces a smile on his face. 

  
“Oh, is that so?” Yuki attempts nonchalence, chuckling. “Must be lack of sleep.” 

  
Hiiragi has his eyes glued on Yuki. “You’re not sleeping okay?” 

  
“Mom gave me a scolding, said i should study more,” Yuki chuckles, smile bright. Smile always bright. “Gotta find a balance.”   


  
Hiiragi smiles back, taking Yuki’s enthusiasm. 

  
Yuki wishes he didn’t. Yuki wishes someone tugged at his numbness, ripping it from his heart. 

  
Yuki wishes his friends, Mafuyu, recognized the numbness. 

  
“I’m hungry, let’s eat,” Shizu gets to packing his drums, and Yuki’s smile only gets warmer. 

  
He loves his friends, he’ll pretend for them. He’ll smile for them. 

  
***

  
“Dammit!” His mother’s voice curses by the doorway. Judging by her sour attitude, it’s another one of her failed hookups. Yuki supposes that at least she closed the door gently. 

  
Mafuyu nuzzles his nose in Yuki’s neck, a small attempt at comfort. Yuki smiles, holds Mafuyu’s waist close. 

  
They didn’t have sex today. They cuddled after Yuki’s part time job ended, and it was all they did. 

  
Mafuyu has been silent, but he’s always silent. Always wished for quiet, for the sole presence of Yuki. 

  
Yuki gave him that and more. Yuki smiled for the both of them, laughed for the both of them, talked for the both of them. 

  
And at times, Mafuyu smiled back and offered a few laughs and chuckles as answer. Yuki lived in those small instances.

  
But Yuki... Yuki was also exhausted. He had the urge of locking himself in darkness, blanket over body, and blast music in his earphones. 

  
He wanted to lock himself in that darkness.   


  
Maybe after Mafuyu’s gone home. 

  
“We should get up,” Yuki suggests jovially, to which Mafuyu nods. 

  
He gives Yuki a gentle hug before they have to eventually face Yuki’s mom. 

  
As they go to the living room, Yuki is frozen to notice his mom sobbing in her hands.   


  
Yuki’s numbness, just for a second, gets replaced by a piercing pain. 

  
“You,” Yuki starts, and his mom flinches. “You should go, Mafuyu.” 

  
Mafuyu squeezes Yuki’s hand gently, silently comforting him. Yuki lets him go with a strange longing, but he does anyway. 

  
“Mom,” Yuki sits in front of her, holds her hand. 

  
“Go to your room.” His mom sobs out, still unable to speak. 

  
Yuki doesn’t listen. He doesn’t care what she has to say. He loves his mom too much to obey her now. 

  
“If he hurt you, he doesn’t deserve you.” Yuki says with certainty, earning a weak glare from his mom. 

  
“Yuki, go to your room.” His mom’s voice trembles. “You’re too young for this.” 

  
“I am,” Yuki says honestly. “But you don’t deserve this too, mom. You don’t need anyone, you’re strong. Don’t let those men’s ideologies limit your capabilities, your life.” 

  
His mom stares at him, her eyes well up with more tears. Then she reaches for him, hugs him tight. And sobs more.

  
Yuki sighs, hugs her close to his chest. He’s supposed to feel something, anything, in his mom’s embrace. He doesn’t. 

  
The numbness is too much. 

  
It’s suffocating. 

  
With it, his mom suffocates too. 

  
She deserves better than those men -those failed hookups- and definitely better than Yuki. 

  
A son who always caused trouble. A son who wanted to play music no matter the cost, who wasted money for a guitare. 

  
Even if Yuki loved music, he wishes he didn’t. Even if music was his escape, where he poured his pains, he wishes... music rejected him. 

  
Yuki is so numb, even music is unable to save him. 

  
*** 

_“Why don’t you die for me then?!”_

  
Yuki’s perspective shifts, his heart tears, his world collapses. 

  
Death. He could do that. 

  
Since Mafuyu asked him to do it, he could do that. 

  
He wanted to do that for a long time. He held himself back for the people that matter.   


  
He supposes that doesn’t hold anymore. Mafuyu gave him permission. 

  
Hiiragi’s about to speak, but Yuki pats his shoulder, hollow, and walks forward.   


  
He pretends like it’s everyday. Like his numbness didn’t just get replaced by impending doom. 

  
Tears cloud his vision. Tears of hurt or bitterness, he doesn't know. Maybe they are tears of relief. Relief that this would be over soon. Relief that he finally decided. 

  
Relief, that the line shall be crossed. 

  
For Mafuyu, he would cross that line.


End file.
